u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
