Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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