my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is Oprah even human
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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