just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
