He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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