I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
