Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
