based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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