my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
