How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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