i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
