hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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