cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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