he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
