Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
