so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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