Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
