Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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