I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
