i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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