Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I need water and some morals
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
