hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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