did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
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She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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