maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
