feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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