my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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