That's when you crack a 10am beer
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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