Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
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Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize