2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
please don't ironically join a cult
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