she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
