I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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