I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
