I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
