my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
