we have pet lesbian snakes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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