The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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