the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And then he peed in my hair
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize