thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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