I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
