In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
