the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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