saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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