Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
