I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
They have beer where we have blood.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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