And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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