one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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