I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
