Whod you bang
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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