I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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