there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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