Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
