My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
