your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
