I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
