It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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