hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
