I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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