I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He keeps bees of course he's weird
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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